There's nothing more imperialistic than trashing other cultures, even if you're not so ballsy as to name the runners-up, bronzes and Certificate of Participation recipients in the league of nations. That's why past, current and probably future presidential candidate, former Massachusetts governor and Olympics hostess Mitt Romney is our Imperialist of the Week.

Everyone's favorite flip-flopping Mormon has a new book, No Apology: The Case for American Greatness, which says President Obama is a foreign-policy pyro, providing "kindling" for anti-American fires burning around the world. Obama should talk more about "America's values" and shun "the self-loathing of Western intellectuals," which is to blame for the explosion of baby mamas and implosion of John Adams' name-recognition (pre-Paul Giamatti), Romney says.

Mitt may be the greatest denigrator of The Non-American Way since P.J. O'Rourke's brilliantly offensive "Foreigners of the World" study for National Lampoon. And there's nothing more American than putting other people in their place. But why stop at A(Me)rica Against the World?

Some religions are better than others too. Southern Baptists are better than (in descending order) Pentecostals, Assemblies of God, Presbyterian Church in America, Free Methodists, Anglicans, Practicing Catholics, Mormons, Orthodox Jews, Lutherans-Missouri Synod, Sufi Muslims, African Methodist Episcopalians, American Baptists, Buddhists, Confucians, Hindus, Presbyterian Church USA, Conservative Jews, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, Unitarians, Reform Jews, Animists, United Methodists, United Church of Christ, Shiites, Sunnis, Wahhabis, and Episcopalians. If you belong to a mainline, George Costanza's "Opposite" religion is better than yours, because at least he believes what he's peddling.

Mitt may not agree with my rankings, but he can't argue with the premise. Some cultural mores are better than others - people who walk single file when passing, call women by their first names, use puns for mating purposes, spurn micro-enterprise, pronounce curses on snow, judge libertarians as attention-whore hedonists, elevate taco-shell bowls above Jimmy Carter, and tell kids to stop plagiarizing their parents' taste in music.

That's my right as an American, dammit - to tell you what's what and possibly to draw pictures illustrating the demerits of your views. Show Mitt your appreciation by purchasing his latter-day golden plates of truth.