The tragic result: a country of mournfully ignorant culture hounds, faux-intellectuals who consider themselves aware because they listen to Arcade Fire, follow the Silversun Pickups, and march to the tune of any Radiohead song.

What passes for depth in the music of these musical druids is the equivalent of glacial melting, with watered-down allusions, overused 4/4 beats, and tunes that only add to the ocean of mediocrity surrounding our mundane techno/cultural landscape. Indeed, the indie musical revolution resembles the explosion of easy-access pornography, coinciding with burgeoning broadband usage in the late 90's, giving bands a more visible platform from which to perform, providing them with more ways to "get their music out."

Just as the porn industry invented and utilized new technology platforms to showcase human perversion and degradation, indie music effectively wrangled technology as grassroots broadcasting. What was once safely ensconced in some poor father's garage and the occasional open mic salon was now given more wide coverage. MySpace and Facebook offered musicians a public space and the means to distribute crap dressed up in espresso coffee sleeves and ironic facial hair with minimal expense.

What makes all this indie music bad? At its core, the bands producing this insipid stuff suffer from authenticity crises. Dandies pimp out their world-conscious lyrics, supported by an eclectic mix of unusual instruments, the use of which is meant to convey authenticity and originality. But guitar-based pop about girls and how they ruin or improve life isn't exactly new.

These bands and their empty music are, like porn, the stinking effluence of a culture that has lost substance or meaning. To paraphrase Bart Simpson, we need another ZOO8 to thin out their ranks.

You know the musical equivalent? Including a third, fourth, or Jimi help us, fifth guitarist in a band.

The duality of life is well established, except in theology where yin/yang, Manichaeism and similar systems are damnable blasphemy worse than voting Green in a national election. Two sexes complement each other, as you'll learn if you try to hang out with a couple by your lonesome or arrive late to an even-numbered orgy. Point guards have shooting guards, and Blair Waldorf and Jenny Humphrey will be locked in competition for Ultimate Queen till the rapture.

Rhythm and lead. Two guitarists provide all the musical creativity any band needs from its six-string section. Like a breadwinner and homemaker, lead brings home the bacon and rhythm keeps the family together. Sometimes they join in beautiful, soaring solos that aurally mimic lovemaking. The (pre-Green album) interplay between Weezer's Rivers Cuomo and Brian Bell could have brought together Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves in timeless romance, obviating the need for a magic mailbox in "The Lake House."

There's room for disagreement on whether to add a ukelelist, banjoist or musical sawist to any given band, which each increase the chance that NPR or Austin City Limits will call. But no one can credibly argue that more than two guitars does anything more than make an insecure band member feel better.

The Strokes' frontman Julian Casablancas had this guitarfluous problem in the traveling band for his solo act when I saw them last week. Nary a bass player to be seen, three keyboards, and three guitars for most numbers.  During one song, there were four people playing guitar. What did it accomplish? Just giving them something to do while the most slovenly, uninspiring frontman in pop meandered around the stage sans instrument like he lost a contact lens, and distracting from the excellent fretwork of the band's lead guitarist.

Unless you fly like an Eagle, there's no point piling on the guitars. Any virtuosity will get lost in the melee of sound, like pundits trying to talk above John McLaughlin on his show, and most likely you'll confirm to the crowd you learned just enough guitar to score. Remember this wisdom from Pete Hornberger: "The more people you add, the less effective it is. Like a neighborhood dad garage band."