Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"

 

Sun Aug 20

 

2017

 
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All Colors Are Beautiful, Be-otch

Greg Piper

Can you think of any Asian male porn stars? I can’t. Not that I spent much time thinking about it. Ahem.

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The Tea Party has been accused of many things since the Most Boring Party Imaginable rode a bad-makeup, creepy-eyes wave of discontent to electoral triumph. They hate immigrants, whether legal, undocumented or anchor baby! They'll whip out an Uncle Sam outfit and start a Tri-Corner Hat Fife Jam when a poor guy in a coma dies! They're racist!

That last one is a stretch, given the ridiculous popularity of black and brown guys like White House hopeful Herman Cain, Congressmen Allen West and Tim Scott and Sex God -- I mean Senator -- Marco Rubio. I'm actually worried about another open-minded practice by the Bernanke-busters: They let women talk.

Two-hundred-thirty-five years into the great American experiment, patriots of all stripes can agree that bitches is crazy.

Women have only gotten more shrill since the Equal Rights Amendment went down in flames like a stock price when a woman is made CEO. They're all the way up to 77 percent of the salary that a man makes for the same job, in spite of the fact that women can't kill spiders promptly and they get paid to "leave" their jobs whenever they pop a papoose (not that Papoose). They made off like bandits - well, bandits subjected to a 0.9 percent hike in the sales tax to pay for the perverted arts - during the recession, while men's income plummeted by 6 percent.

Most disturbingly, women campaign confidently for office and repeatedly say idiotic things in their grating, squawky voices, ruining the credibility that freedom-loving, fiscally-responsible men have built up over decades.

We should have seen this coming when the original feminists started PMSing over our right to booze it up and hatcheted their way to Prohibition. (Carrie Nation, by the way? Born to slaveholders.)

You Debbie Downers think you have it bad in America's boardrooms? Our nation's drug laws practically ensure that black men rot away in prison while their kids grow up fatherless, a virtueless cycle championed by women, the Quinn Fabrays of the Nanny State. (Yes, that's a "Glee" reference. So what? I'm an enlightened man.) And Asian men remain woefully underrepresented as sex symbols in our society, an insidiously subtle form of discrimination that's nearly impossible to overcome. Can you think of any Asian male porn stars? I can't. Not that I spent much time thinking about it. Ahem.

Anyway, nobody fantasizes about Harold and Kumar - you shameless bundles of estrogen all want to bed NPH, a dyed-in-the-wool misogynist in every role since 2005 and more interested in my tail than yours. If you keep picking bad boys who mistreat you and try to brand their initials on your rump, you can't complain that society is stacked against you. Especially in higher education and every profession with economic growth, you are society.

Well, not in India or China. Ahem.

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Human Racist

Jeremiah Lewis

 

Racism has a long and proud tradition, not just in America (though it *is* one of our Trinity of national causes of distress, the others being abortion rights and Rosie O'Donnell), but all across this globe, the story has been one of hatred and fear of one race toward another. And why not? Traditionally, the clash of cultures has not been rooted in well-publicized events and media-saturation--rather, rumor and myth abound with new encounters with strange peoples, like how Jews eat babies, and Asian men have small penises (maybe that's why, Greg). And now with the Internet, that truth is even more in force. So this idea of NOT being racist is practically unnatural.

Humans are wired to fear things that are A) as big as them or bigger (hence Anaconda Malt Liquor), B) can't drive worth a crap (Asians of all stripe, I'm calling you out), and C) take minimum-wage jobs away from hardworking totally-not-xenophobic Americans.

This is not to say that one can't feign enlightenment, decry the long-waged war against diversification, and call the many different candy flavors of man sweet. But it goes against our base instinct to hate that which crosses our borders illegally. And even if you say you aren't racist, you probably are. Scientifically, you can't escape it. Why fight it?

For my money, being an equal opportunity racist is the most honest one can be without being dead. At least then you're not pretending to care about people who you don't associate with in every day life. It's easy to say you care about the way blacks or Latinos are treated, but we all know you wouldn't sleep with one if the opportunity arose.

I read a quote the other day. "The African race is a rubber ball. The harder you dash it to the ground, the higher it will rise." Let's face it, rubber balls are pretty fun to play with. This might explain why blacks are so damn good at basketball (and ALWAYS CELEBRATE AFTER DUNKING, THOSE JERKS), whereas whites rule Wall Street. It's not a judgment against Ham, since they earn more per game than I do in an entire year.

Racism has a nasty reputation, but let's look at the facts. Our very speech is loaded against non-[name your race here]. Words like hooligan (aka dirty Irish drunkards) and gyp (aka Gypsies), as in "That guy gypped me five bucks!", are rooted in our hatred of the Others; meanwhile cheerful cries of "hip hip hooray" are shorthand slang for "let's kill the Jews!" Who hasn't secretly muttered against the Jewish media cabal?

There is and always will be an underlying mistrust of one's neighbors, especially ones that steal your shit and wear baggy pants and lots of bling. Yeah, that's right, white hooligans!

See, you thought I was talking about black people, didn't you? Racist.

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