Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Sun Aug 20




Tuna Half-Men: Let’s ‘Flip’ the Dolphin PR Assault

He's played a kindly convict, Nelson Mandela and even a mop-pushing God. On the other hand, the world was obliterated by a comet under his presidency. Yes, Morgan Freeman's record is decidedly mixed, yet we still look to him for comfort and authority in a topsy-turvy world.

But for his latest movie, we should bury Grandpa Gravitas' film career like the directions to Zihuatanejo that Tim Robbins left him in the sex orchard.

"Dolphin Tale" is a blatant piece of propaganda designed to brainwash the impressionable masses into believing that history's greatest sea monsters are not only their BFFs, but also inspiring cripples.

Dolphins have never lacked for savvy PR, making high-priced lobbying shops on K Street look as bloated, ineffective and glitter-strewn as Newt Gingrich. From Flipper, "the aquatic Lassie," to overblowholed stories about dolphins saving stranded sailors, these warm-blooded wankers have captured the imaginations and consciences of Americans too dumb to realize that permanent smiles are creepy, not cute. Slight chance that your tuna sandwich has bits of dolphin in it? Just convince the tuna industry to adopt a much more destructive fishing method!

Far from paragons of virtue, dolphins are closer to your average Oakland Raiders fan.  The motherflippers are known to gang rape both male and female dolphins and have "perfected the art to a degree unseen in any other species." They beat up porpoises, allegedly because they're "sexually frustrated," and according to a documentary about the social structure of dolphins, they would challenge humanity if their more charismatic leaders were freed from captivity. Any animal that arouses Harry Connick Jr. or fits R. Kelly's requirements for a wingman should immediately be placed on an FBI watch list.

Westerners need to get over their boner for hyper-intelligent animals, from the Ted Bundys of the ocean to Andy Serkis. The latest Science Loser Who Doomed Us All is even trying to establish "real-time two-way communication" with dolphins, to tempt the blubbery buggers into squeaking their sick fantasies at us. Here's a suggestion on getting a dolphin's interest: Log into MySpace as TweenageDream and post a request to meet "open-minded grownups."

If we're going to indulge our whitebread fetish for something, let's make it multiculturalism and go dolphishing in Taiji, Japan. I'm sure Dick Cheney is available.

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