Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Sun Aug 20




The Postman Always Weighs Twice (as much you)

I have noticed an increase in the girth of my local post- men and women, their biomass inching upward and rivaling blue whales, underground mushroom colonies, and redwood fairy rings. I see them waddling down the street, like federal Stay-Puft marshmallow people.

How does the second largest employer in the United States and mover of more than 203 billion yearly mail parcels have fat employees? One only has to recall the most famous postal worker in recent popular culture, Seinfeld's Newman, who personified outsized evil, to understand the obesity problem facing our mailmen.

There was also the notorious Fat Bastard, a delivery man who liked his baby back ribs to excess.

In the real world, Son of Sam David Berkowitz was a Yonkers postal worker who, in addition to killing scores of people on the advice of a dog, also happened to be a paunchy, moonfaced nerd--not morbidly obese, but fat enough to prevent him from making a running escape from slightly less encumbered NYPD.

Are we getting the picture of America's mail men? And it's not just here. The Old Country's got its own Fat Bastards to deal with.

Lazy mail men (like Newman) have been not delivering mail, burning mail, and spending lavishly on Beef Wellington parties for years. Long gone are the days of responsible federal employees feared by dogs and loved by children and married women; today's paunchy postmen are husbands to cats and weird perverts who deliver their cross-country cartonsĀ sans clothes.

Unfortunately, there may be more at the heart of our corpulent corps of parceled communication than poor eating habits, lousy work ethic, weird fetishes, and genetic predisposition. The relationship between earnings and weight seem to correlate with the relative mass of a given postal worker.

With Michelle Obama as America's anti-fat Patton, you'd think the Post Office, which enjoys state and local tax free status and billions in reduced loan rates from the federal government, would have a program to help its larger members trim the fat. Given the targeting of school children for healthier lunches and breaks outside from slouching on the video game couch, and given the statistical likelihood that at least 4% of those children will grow up to be postal workers, it might be time to take back the night by taking it out of their asses--literally.

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