Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"

 

Fri Jul 28

 

2017

 
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Sarkapitalist! Frenchie Flattens Fattened Freres with Retirement Vote

Considering the pathetic state of the global economy (unless you’re in China or Brazil), you'd think workers in Western Europe, where until recently the Spanish slept a third of the workday, would be glad to have jobs at all. But we know France marches to its own drummer, or more accurately, a goose-stepping German drummer. So it’s not surprising that French unions, tired of working for five straight days, would bring transportation to a halt nationwide for two weeks to avoid working through age 62, bringing the pension system into, you know, solvency.

But our second-favorite womanizing national leader, French President Nicholas Sarkozy, stuck to his non-lethal erotic paintball guns this past week, refusing to bend to union pressure. Now they're giving up and going back to complaining about the declining quality and increased sassmouth of mistresses.

That’s why, Monsieur President, you’re our Imperialist of the Week.

Astute readers may spit out their ratatouille and sputter, "You already crowned the Sark for his burqa ban. That's double jeopardy!" First, you idiots should watch Double Jeopardy before spouting off legal terms. And second, why shouldn't we twice honor the man who taps Carla Bruni on a regular basis?

Going up against French unions is like dragging Stephen Colbert and his puppet off stage on the National Mall - laborious and yet funny. Sark has the sense of humor combined with the long-term vision to see through the empty charade of strikers with less resolve than unreconstructed Strom Thurmond, and wait until these pampered poofs run out of money to buy cigarettes, brie and Jerry Lewis retrospectives. As striking workers burn tires and students in funny hats and Li'l Bastard bullhorns clog the streets in protest, who looks more reasonable? What’s next, bossnapping?

Like members of SNL’s Five-Timers Club, burning down Atlanta and marching to the metaphorical shores of Cultural Imperialist is a rare thing. You've done it twice, Nick, like a septuagenarian on Cialis, and we hope you continue to stir our hearts and loins with brutal nonchalance.

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