Like Arnie in Total Recall, the allergy sufferer has an invasive method for removing troublesome trackers from the nasal cavities. The post-industrial increase in airborne allergens and autism has produced as many responses, some medically sound, others more akin to technological witchdoctoring, but the more notable of these has a cult following, its devotees proselytizing its virtues like Kirk Cameron on Charlie Rose.
While its name might sound like Indian fondue, it is in fact the MOAB of allergy solutions, a bunker buster that uses the dripping power of saline and gravity to destroy any and all nose critters with no respect to creed or custom. It is the Neti Pot, and it's our Imperialist of the Week.
Like a third-world sewage ditch, your nasal cavities are filled with the unholy muck of our sinuses. That air you breathe to survive is filled with pollens, and spores, and molds that will wreak havoc upon your body when collected in the inner caves of Nasaldom. The resulting toxic sludge buildup can cause endless sneezing while your mucus-filled membranes are inundated from the inside out.
The Neti Pot changes the equation, like Andrew Breitbart at an anti-hate rally. The device resembles an Aladdin's lamp, and delivers more wishes per use. Filling it with a specially formulated kosher salt mixture dissolved in lukewarm water, the victim places the spout into one nostril, and tipping her head at an 80-90 degree angle, allows the solution to run through the other nostril. Switching nostrils for a second wash is like a buy-one-get-one-free nasal Apocalypse, when all the spores left behind are beset by the deluge of an angry and vengeful God.
It's best not to look at yourself or the user while this is happening. Like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark, your face may melt at the awesome cleansing power of the Neti Pot.
Not to be mistaken for Chinese dam construction, which, when it fails also destroys large swaths of ground and people, or even the destructive power of Indonesian tsunamis, the Neti stream is a purposeful, directed intrusion into enemy territory. If the United States really wanted to eliminate Osama bin Laden, the money should have been spent on a gigantic Neti Pot to flush the craggy Afghan caves. Guaranteed results: no more Taliban, no more VHS tapes espousing terrorist doctrines on environmentalism and extreme Islamist theology. No more bin freaking Laden.
The Neti is a digusting and frightening, but necessary weapon in the war against the tiny terrorists in our nose. As long as ragweed and hay fever are out in force, we'll maintain vigilant defense, pop our Zyrtec, flood the caverns, and by God, we're going to win this war.