Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Sun Aug 20




Up, “Chuck”: This Heaven’s Not a Home without Zachary Levi

The season premiere of "Chuck" is three weeks away, and like any 13-year-old girl in a church with conversion-therapy ministries, I'm having fantasies about meeting the titular star in heaven.

The Jewish-sounding Zachary Levi is actually a committed Christian, it turns out. And for the first time with anyone, I really want a celestial audience with him. Not enough to kill us both in a murder-suicide plot, which may eternally backfire, but following our respective and wholly unrelated deaths.

Viewers have long suspected something was different about 29-year-old Levi - his fondness for video games over girls, cherubic smile and utter lack of pretension. He could easily double for another cuddle-bear of wholesome sexuality, Dashboard Confessional's Chris Carrabba, and may have the chance now that Carrabba is going back to his original Christian band.

Having recently finished "Chuck" season three, I went looking for more about Buy More's top Nerd Herder, and found not only his fish-and-loaf distribution of "Nerd" T-shirts at Comic-Con but also his Christian frat house that doubles as a "home church." This was the greatest news since Jeremiah found out Buster Bluth, aka Tony Hale, attends his church in LA!

And then I thought, for the first time in my life, I'd really like to meet this guy in heaven.

Not Moses, not the non-Eddie-Murphy talking donkey, not even Jesus - I want to pop my cherub with some lovable schmuck who can thank a footlong sandwich for his career trajectory. The thought of chillin', or whatever verb appropriately describes the temperature in the other realm, with Sexy McRighteous made me really excited about dying and swapping energy with another glowing spirit-ball. To paraphrase Liam Neeson, I must be the worst Christian ever.

For all I know, the Levi who didn’t appear in Playgirl could have some weird theological fetish, like battling Satan’s minions through Wii Tennis or confessing his carbon consumption. Who knows what his business partner/pastor is teaching in that home church.

But he's so dreamy! Just like Chief Justice John Roberts.

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