Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Mon Aug 21




Kagan Exercises: Confirmation as Conquest

The last Supreme Court judge to make it through confirmation without having actually, you know, judged, also happened to have the most rad robe at the Clinton impeachment hearings.  So we expect big things from White House shyster Elena Kagan, another judicial neophyte sworn in this weekend as Long John Silvers' replacement.  You've come a long way, Lenie - you're our Imperialist of the Week.

Many other great leaders didn't deserve their jobs, either, but grabbed history by the scruff and threw it headlong into a pile of inevitability, like a freshman getting hazed. Hitler was a "masterly" artist who drew postcards before new German boundaries.  Jimmy Carter, who would later become history's greatest monster, was a peanut wrangler who taught young children in Sunday school to do what Jesus would do - get beat up on the world stage.  And ho-hum Ali sure as heck shouldn’t have landed hunky, gorgeous Roberto on "The Bachelorette," but that promiscuous Pole’s pixie dust overwhelmed the Spanish speaker’s Santeria, just like John-Paul II and Castro.

Kagan has shown she has the chops to join this illustrious crowd.  Barely 50, she’s already strong-armed her rabbi into giving her a feminist bat mitzvah, sailed to tenure despite a meager publishing record on the University of Chicago law faculty, and pistol-whipped the military for its discrimigaytion as dean of the Harvard Law School.

Most imperialistically, this jovial Jew singlehandedly "fooled the nation's highest judges" by fudging a medical group’s appraisal of the intact D&X procedure, casually known as partial-birth abortion, leading to the eventual Supreme Court imprimatur on the procedure as "medically necessary."  Though Congress later banned D&X, a decision upheld by the dreamy Roberts court, the fact that a sneaky political hack could orchestrate such a brilliant con on the courts shows Kagan's clinical determination to win at all costs.

The raging debate over whether Kagan's slugging abilities show her sexual proclivities obscures the more fundamental truth that she plays political hardball.  Jon Lovitz's fraternal twin will surely be lobbing up hard-hitting opinions masked by toothy grins for the next three decades. Cultural Imperialist salutes you, Shorty, and looks forward to your reign.

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