Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Mon Aug 21



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Sit On It

Greg Piper

What woman can compete with a pillowy hussy, especially if the chairlot has a mini-fridge on the side?

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If you have an annoying girlfriend like me, you’ve been told countless times to stand up straight.  Our culture reinforces nonsexual straightism as well:  The opening scene of Van Wilder features the protagonist receiving from a docile Asian what appears to be fellatio, rendered morally acceptable by his upright posture.  So in these polarized times, when liberal managers won’t accept a degree from Beck University to fulfill a promotion prerequisite, we should be able to agree on one thing:

Recliners are sinful, and reclinees are kicking (back on) God’s face.  Jeremiah, my esteemed competitor for your credulity who contests this claim, might as well change his surname to Lewcifer.

Enjoyment of padded chairs with moving parts represents disengagement with society itself.  If you can’t sit up straight to yell at that aging sports guy who thinks he’s a political expert, or comment on that mAlicious slut on ABC, how can you be trusted to serve on a jury, drink Duff responsibly or purchase music from a licensed retailer? You are a slothful hedonist who deserves a good ol’ vigilantin’ whoop-ass from the Upright Citizens Brigade.

You’re also an adulterer. Falling asleep on the recliner violates a man’s vows to his wife or cohabitant, perverting the act of slumber as he reaches reclimax in the tender armbrace of another. What woman can compete with a pillowy hussy, especially if the chairlot has a mini-fridge on the side?

Even worse is bringing along your fluid-exchanger into the furnication.  If you think a man in a recliner won’t get upright (wink) for a roll in the Hjellegjerde, obviously you’re not reading Cosmo.  From the sex sling to Bacardi Razz, men have been pounding out ideas to reduce their load in the instigation and consummation of lovemaking.  Author C.S. Lewis, reference to whom automatically wins any argument, would call them Men Without Chests.  Make a woman complicit in angular sex and you might as well lend her to Eliot Spitzer for the weekend.

Don’t forget your bed, made by God and Simmons for the express purpose of rest and the secondary purpose of building forts.  Just as the non-wicked Lewis warned not to continue making mud pies in the slum when you can go to the beach, let not your half-hearted desire for repose be limited by a La-Z-Boy.  True Sleep Waits!

That self-fondling bonobo that writes opposite me thinks that, since God reserves a day for chillaxin’ and Jesus will stomp the earth like a Monty Python sketch, we can all get laid (back) to our heart’s content.  Who are you to compare yourself to The One?  You might as well reserve the right to wipe out the Canaanites to make room for the Jews.  Who did that in reverse?  Hitler.  Yes, I went there.

Preserve your purity and answer the altar call for the perfect combination of human and divine - the sofabed.

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To Ch-err Is Human, To Recline Is Divine

Jeremiah Lewis


I am disinclined to acquiesce to Greg Piper's assessment of the sinful nature of reclining furniture within the household. I find limp-wristed libertines like Greg often find fault with innocent matters in order to misdirect and assuage guilt for their more serious transgressions.

Greg's philosophy is that if it's fun, interesting, or meaningful, it must be sin. What this cancerous polyp on the anus of reason can't stand is that man was not made to sleep in bed alone, but in every Barcalounger as well.

While the staid and simple chair may be functional and without the temptations of the luxurious, it lacks of goodness in respect to relaxation. And while I am not one for wasting time, I do ascribe to the complete paradigm of Jesus' earthly ministry, which was not limited to healing, teaching, or enacting banking regulations within the temple, but also included frequent wining, dining, and reclining.

G-d the Father Himself seems inclined to kick up his feet, and He encourages the Son to use the Earth as his footstool--after conquering His enemies; even the Holy Ghost gets in on the action in Genesis, using the surface of the new watery planet as Its own personal mattress. And I seem to recall God resting after six days of spontaneous generation, thus laying down one of the first laws of the West--thou shalt Recline when one isn't eligible for overtime.

But one needn't limit oneself to the Testaments for the Gospel of Peace and Quiet. Buddha was apparently found reclining often enough to be turned into a statue; I guess not all life has to be suffering if one has a La-Z-Boy. Mohammed may not have had recliner technology in his day, but the Quran speaks of reclining on soft couches while "virginal females with averted glances (desiring none but you), undeflowered by men or jinn look on." (Qur'an 55:46) Good times, right?

And since we can't show an image of the Prophet, perhaps another hardworking Muhammad (Ali) on a recliner might help show that not all is sloth on the cloth.

As far as lust is concerned, an Easy Chair doesn't imply laisse-faire morality. In fact, chair sex is almost as bad as seducing a page, especially when one is a "chairman" of the House Caucus on missing and exploited children. But how tacky can you get? And at any rate, sexual adventure in the seat of de-stress is the antithesis to the Recliner's primary purpose.

The path of comfort righteousness leads through the valley of the shadow of the foot massager and beside the springs of the Sealy Posturepedic. But it is within the restful folds of the recliner that one finds true salvation.

Recliners are commendable, even virtuous additions to one's home. Their flexible, expansive nature gives rest for those of weary feet and tired back, while their plush, velvety hillocks perform ministrations no Thai masseuse can give. Greg, the leading scientist and advocate in the field of personal mediocrity, seems confined to his own prison of austerity in this particular matter.

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