You'd think with its history of oppressing, sickening and enslaving natives in the next hemisphere over, followed by its recent World Cup victory, Spain would be a shoo-in for our Imperialist of the Week. But I'm in no mood to bestow our highest honor on the champion of a "sport" that lifts up losers, commands brutal devotion, and regards winning as optional.
Soccer, or football, as the brownskins and limeys call it, is a full-throated attack on American exceptionalism, and if I ran U.S. Africa Command, Johannesburg would have been liberated before the first vuvuzela blew.
Darwin himself would be aghast at the spectacle of fields of dwarfs running around like idiots, kicking a checkered ball across a vast expanse in a fruitless quest for meaning. You know who's drawn to soccer at an early age? Kids who are short, weak and grip-challenged - in other words, who can't cut it in basketball, football or baseball. It's no surprise that soccer is the number one youth participation sport in the U.S. - it's a giant self-esteem parade for the genetically disadvantaged, the sports version of social promotion. The only shorties we should be lauding are hos and Elmore Leonard characters.
A good test of a sport’s validity is the quality of women it draws to even mediocre players. Here too, soccer must take an existential red card. Until David Beckham’s mojo can be extracted and mass-produced by Axe, women will continue to associate these blighted ballers with that fat ginger kid (or Will Ferrell). It can’t even produce white-collar criminals like the real sports leagues. If you’re turned on by parking-lot fights between jack-o'-lanterned baldies, by all means, bed a Red Bull.
If the Ammonites hadn’t been obliterated by the LORD thousands of years ago, today they'd be worshipping MLS instead of Molech, led by their chief spiritist, Paul the Octopus. No other sport comes close to competing with governments and religions for the hope and blind servitude that soccer instills in its subjects. The Vatican would love to wield the power than FIFA has over developing countries. This shouldn't surprise us - Europe chopped the balls off Christianity, India worships a bajillion gods already, and the only other bond Africans share is their governments' brutality toward them.
Soccer is the geopolitical translation of "Revenge of the Nerds" - a convenient vehicle for the WASP-haters to drag down the U.S. and assert the legitimacy of all nations, no matter how objectively terrible they are. North Korea has a squad that is almost certainly cracking rocks and paying off their bosses to get work that actually pays. We all know how Saddam’s Iraq treated its athletes. Whip your citizens into a frenzy against the U.S., and they'll forget their government is the real enemy.
Fast kicking, low scoring, and ties - you betcha! Soccer's message to the world is: It's OK if you don't win. Not being defeated is good enough. Distracting the public with fancy footwork is more important than giving them the tools to score in their personal lives.
Goooooooooooood riddance to Americans' passing interest in this egalitarian excrement for another year.