Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Fri Jul 28



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It's My Duty to Tap "Real Beauty"

Greg Piper

Femme gems inspired the Constitution, the Industrial Revolution, and the 90's dot-com bubble. Hot, unattainable women will forever be the driving force for most of the Western male population.

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Stifler's mom gave us the MILF.  Abercrombie & Fitch pioneered the pansexual teenager.  And Unilever gave us a new object of lust through Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty" - the normal woman.

To quote what's soon to be your friendly global CEO in a TV spot for the legalization of pelican-oiling, I approve this message.

No one can question that I'm a butcher of fine meats who liberally window-shops for the choicest cuts, but ultimately I prefer the chops with extra marbling, 28-day aging or misshapen tips.  Normal women are sexy, and should be objectified.  From Mrs. Robinson in "The Graduate" to Lilith on "Cheers," not to mention the quaint old women who live it up in Abu Dhabi on our nation's big screens, conventional chicks want to be lusted after more than they want a Ph.D. in leadership or a life partner who listens.  If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that women should stick to being objects, no matter where they register on The Hill's 50 Most Beautiful list (the lowest bar you'll find for beauty lists).

Real feminists will applaud this theory of realbeautifik.  Why else would Maine's hirsute honeys stage a topless march if not so men would have no choice but to ogle them?  New Jersey's e-gal-itarians are also trying to get a topless beach designated along a stretch of boardwalk, over the protests of local beautyphobes. In my own backyard, the "women" have an annual excuse to force their wares, or rather lack of wears, on a public whose only method of escape is to jump in the ship canal.

Dove clearly wants us to give creepy looks to these mediocre mamas.  It could have decked them out in bikinis, a mode of dress to which we've been nonsexually acclimated.  If Kelly Kapowski can wear a bikini for the nation's middle-schoolers without the FCC coming down on NBC, surely there's no lustful intent to the two-piece.  But the real beauties are in their underwear, prancing around, jutting out their abs to encourage navel-gazing, smiling seductively.  It's honeymoon night for virginal viewers, and Boyz II Men is blaring.

Now you may be thinking, for Helen's sake, we have to put some limits on the quality of women awarded with lust.  Dove agrees, having hired a top-notch retoucher to de-uglify some of the more real parts of the beauties.  But what is makeup other than the original retoucher?  Centuries before Sarah Palin's head appeared on a machine gun-wielding, bikini-clad pinup, giving a whole new meaning to "vice" president, men talked women into dolling themselves up so as to increase the former's desire to "do" the latter.  Many women today can't picture a successful life without makeup, except in my current city, dammit.

With a little rouge or pinch of the capillaries, any woman's real beauty can be unveiled, and society's all-surpassing need to leer fulfilled.  That is unless her society demands veiling, in which case it should be conquered by the West, or the French force her to de-veil, in which case their politicians should be chemically castrated.

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Dove Love Is A Lust Bust

Jeremiah Lewis


The Dove "Real Beauty" ads that played so big a few years ago, as a near backlash against Ralph Lauren skeletor models, were paragons of supposed marketing virtue. Here we had women of "curves" who were "real" and represented "every day women."

These advertisements feature these women of moderate girth in bras and panties gamboling about or standing in a group against a pleasant white background, all smiling and happy and touched with that certain je ne sais quoi, while the Dove brand hovers nearby, signaling them as one company that wasn't interested in selling the surrealism of crack-skinny models and Photoshopped perfection.

The ads brought one thing to mind: Who were these ads targeting, men or women? If women, as Dove claimed, then why feature them in matching bra and panties, as if at any moment they might break into a plus-sized pillow fight and then perform secretarial services on each other (or whatever it is that non-hot-non-supermodels do when all dressed down and looking empowered)? If men, then Dove really doesn't understand the male gaze.

But are these de-lovelies of Dove fame lust-worthy? Is it really "okay" to keep these half-clothed models mentally undressed and ready at a moment's notice to perform moderately naughty acts to gratify a sex-starved imagination?

Are we really that hard-up for sexual symbols that we need to resort to the plus-sizers to jog our disco sticks?

What happened to the hot and utterly perfect super-models who were the object of so much... well, we'll just call them objects? Where are the women of celebrated Body-Mass Indices, who were so unattainably hot and distant that they ceased to be real for us, and therefore okay to project all manner of unsavory fantasies upon?

A virtue of lust, as it were, is that it allows us to imagine things that will never happen in real life. For instance, I could take Zooey Deschanel on many spirited adventures (if you catch my meaning) in my head; this will, of course, never happen in real life. And the end result of that lust is, well, a disquieting sense of impropriety, a lingering regret that I wasn't born Ben Gibbard, and soon, an FDR-like return to normalcy as the fantasy fades and real life intrudes.

But the point is that the object is the fantasy. If your fantasy is for women you already see everyday, doesn't that make your lust-life really lame and average? If you can't bed any of the Dove "Real Beauty" women in real life, then maybe you'd have a leg to stand on, so men of West Virginia and southern Arkansas, you can stop reading this piece. For everyone else, hear me now.

The reason marketers choose gorgeous gals to market their crap is because for a brief moment, it gives men the chance to imagine something greater than themselves. Femme gems inspired the Constitution, the Industrial Revolution, and the 90's dot-com bubble. Hot, unattainable women will forever be the driving force for most of the Western male population.

As for the Dove women... well, I'm sure they're nice girls.

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