Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Mon Aug 21




Kiss my Ash: Volcano as Imperialist

When Tom Hanks decided to kill himself magmanimously in a worshipped island crater rather than die slowly from his own illusive disease, he was in charge. Master of his own domain and destiny - very American, or possibly Japanese. (America's going through a Japanese period in many ways - electronics, economy, fascination with giggling, gaudy girls.)

But when a long-dormant volcano in Iceland shot its wad, it left a mess on Europe's hands and put the region's greatest imperialist to shame. That's why you, Eyjafjallajokull, are the Imperialist of the Week.

Grounding flights, halting commerce - a more disruptive disaster than 9/11, the news said - Iceland's new hero struck a blow for natural rights the same way an American would, by belching loudly after a spicy meal of magma and sending people running away while tweeting. Volcanic ash can bring down a whole plane and it's invisible to radar and the naked eye, a far more potent enemy than terrorism.

Like the best overlord governments, ash ruins relationships, specifically that between the U.S. and the U.K. Stopping transatlantic flights is in effect a prohibition on aerial intercourse (not the kind on Snakes on a Plane), and we all know the best way to break the will of a petulant colony is to separate families and make them 'course with strangers.

But how, you may ask, can thousands of tons of silicate dust qualify as an imperialist? It should be obvious to the close follower of Icelandic quirkster Bjork's career that Eyjafjallajokull's eruption was simply the latest and most impressive performance art yet from the demented mind that brought us "Human Behavior." In the music video, Bjork sides with a violent animal kingdom that takes down Man and even eats Bjork, who must think about what she's done in an animatronic bear's stomach. In the same way, Bjork launched an Army of Her by way of the eruption to make us "digest" the severity of our environmental footprint.

All hail the Bjorkerlord.

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