Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Sun Aug 20




The Half-Assed Turn Is Full-On Jerk

I know it's hyperbole to say that "there's nothing worse than [insert your peeve here]" and in most cases, it may even reduce the overall impact of the complaint. But in urban areas, my current issue is no less than a matter of traffic safety.

I'm referring to the half-assed turn. Drivers who are turning but refuse to occupy the entirety of the turn lane are a douchey menace to society.

You see it in three-lane situations, where the middle lane is reserved for turning onto the opposite street. What I've noticed is drivers will maintain their place in the normal traffic lane for as long as possible, and then shift their vehicle into the turn lane so that at the apex, about a quarter of their vehicle still remains in the normal traffic lane.

This is wrong, and it's dangerous, and it must be stopped.

When you turn, make a decision and follow through all the way. Don't half-ass it, equivocating on the perpendicular motion and leaving your cheese hanging out in the wind. You may think you're being polite to oncoming traffic, but the turn lanes are just as wide and sometimes wider than the normal traffic lane; there is plenty of room for your vehicle to take up the entire width of the turn lane without endangering the oncoming traffic.

Your so-called "careful driving" puts every car behind you in a state of danger at the worst, and a state of intense annoyance at the least. By not fully committing to the turn lane, your car obstructs all traffic behind you, thus impeding normal forward motion and contributing to the National Pissed-Off Driver Index, which is already exacerbated by excessive freeway traffic, poor road conditions, red-light cameras, cops, and cyclists.

The turn lane is a liminal space, and thus presents a psychic obstacle to most red-blooded Americans. We fear the unknown, the spaces between that present a continuum of possibilities. As a nation of car-loving individuals, our choices on the road affect everyone.

It's time to retrain ourselves into full commitment to the turn lane paradigm. We must eliminate vehicular ambivalence and embrace the turn lane without doubt and with full resolution. Otherwise, you're just another douche on the road to freedom.

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