Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Mon Aug 21




Southwest’s Whale of a Problem

As many people are aware, there is a filmmaker named Kevin Smith. Smith is responsible for making Jason Mewes an icon in the profanity-laced indie film world, which has its own undeniable appeal for anyone who is between 17 and 23 or who is Jason Mewes.

On February 13, 2010, Kevin Smith boarded a Southwest Air flight headed to Burbank. He was asked by the captain to leave the plane for being a safety risk, prompting a flurry of angry tweets by Smith, including some from the flight he was bumped to. "I'm way fat, but I'm not there just yet," and "If you look like me, you may be ejected from Southwest Air," he tweeted.

Oh yeah, we forgot to mention that Smith is approaching 300 pounds of pure indie cinema mass.

Southwest Air should be congratulated for their imperialistic approach to the problem. After all, very few people know that planes must have a balanced cargo or they risk danger in the skies above, where a very little turbulence can turn sheets of corpulence into flying death. When you put a school of dolphins on one side of the boat and a school of dolphins and a whale on the other, the whale side will tend to tip.

Without a doubt, Smith's situation mirrors many in our fair country; fliers who bear unseemly weight also bear the burden of embarrassment as they are tossed off flights and roller coasters, and are unable to share cabs with their fat friends, increasing their per capita travel costs by what we are sure is the mathematical equation of g(irth) x v(ehicle) = s(hame)±h(umiliation).

However, we cannot deny Southwest's approach was egalitarian, altruistic, and imperialistic. After all, they are required by law not to discriminate, but are also under moral and ethical rules which forbid them to put other passengers or crew in danger. By kicking the pleasantly obese Smith off the flight and bumping him to a less crowded one, Southwest made the right move and has thus earned this week's Imperialist title.

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