Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Sun Aug 20




Abolish Express Lane Abuse

I can't stand how lame it is that people totally misuse the express lane at the grocery checkout. The sign says "Ten items or less." It even puts the digits on there, so you can't possibly be confused as to how many items you're allowed. And I've watched you--all of you--ineligible bachelors, harried mothers, old Chinese women, busty Latinas, even guys who look homeless--and you all have abused the honor system by passing more than the designated number of items through the express line. Congratulations, you're a douche.

It's none of my business--at least, it wasn't my business until you broke the rules--what was in your grocery basket. Hell, if it were up to me, you wouldn't be allowed to bring anything through the express lane that has wheels, including strollers by the way. But you forced me to evaluate your twisted purchases when you brazenly walked up to the register under the very clearly marked sign, started shoving your ill-gotten items up to the checkout girl, who looks at you like you're full of shit but she doesn't earn enough per hour to say anything, and then, hell of all hells, you break out your checkbook.

I don't care what kind of day you had. I don't care that you're carrying the same item multiple times. That doesn't count as one purchase. It's not one item. It's still more than one item, you dweeb. I don't care that you're running late and don't want to wait in the regular lane with all the other proles. You are breaking the rules and someone's got to stop it.

Breaking the express lane code is like punching Michael Dukakis in the face. Sure, no one really minds, but is it right? Is it morally acceptable? Fudging the numbers in the grocery store is just as reprehensible as Martha Stewart accepting insider trading, or Barack Obama promising not to tax the middle class and then doing it, or wiping out puffer fish to extract the ten ounces of delicious flesh their bodies offer in exchange for the thrilling possibility of ingesting their highly deadly venom in a $200 plate of fugu.

By violating the sacred covenant of Ten Items or Less, one also might as well throw out the code of Hammurabi, the Ten Commandments, the Constitution, and Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I mean, that's what you're doing anyway, eliminating the rule of law and replacing it with the selfish rule of assholery. No circumstances dictate the bending of the rule. No exceptions should be meted out. The quid of the express lane should not be overwhelmed by the quo of the people in it. That is, after all, the whole point of the express lane--to avoid the congestion that plagues other, less efficient lanes. Violators, like speeders and coke dealers, should pay the full penalty.

Since there is no penalty, one should be enacted immediately. I suggest the Express Lane checkout machines all be able to hike the grocery tax of the purchases of all who exceed the allotted limit. This ensures that only the wealthy, who don't care about menial taxes, will continue coasting through in oblivious douchebaggery. And since the wealthy only shop at Savenor's, Formaggio's, and Philbrick's, the remaining stores will have a restored sense of order.

In the meantime, until this law is passed, can't you just read the sign and do what it frakking says?

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