Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Wed Jun 28




Flex On This, Flexitarians

flexitariansHave you heard of this new fad for foodies that says you can be both a vegetarian AND a meat-eater? If you subscribe to this theory, you are called Flexitarian. Or as I like to see it, a Douche.

Flexitarians are so-called semi-vegetarians because they have a primarily vegetarian diet, but occasionally eat meat--some kind of diet augmentation. I pretty much only like my augmentation on a woman's chest, or maybe my johnson if it needed it (it doesn't, trust me). You start adding to definitions, and you get anarchy and mayhem. We started out with Jesus on a cross, some people come along and start adding things to it, and BOOM. Two thousand years later you get Mormons, Rupert Murdoch, and now, Flexitarians.

If you look at it from a rigid philosophical standpoint, flexitarians practice the insane and post-modern relativistic ethical quackery of shitting out of both ends.

Now, I am a firm omnivore, and have achieved a level of indifference toward those who choose to eat only plants. I have a number of friends who are vegan, and over the years I have grown to appreciate those who remain firm in their faith and follow through with action that reflects that faith. There's a kind of purity in those who claim a lifestyle that demands asceticism of any kind, even if it is misguided or just flat-out wrong. Like God, I prefer it if a person is boiling hot or freezing cold.

Flexitarianism, like bisexuality, flies in the face of the cherished dogma of what I might call the Robert Frost Postulate, which states that one must choose one road or the other. Taking of both roads not only violates basic quantum physics laws, it also makes you look like a selfish A-hole. A folksonomically-limited diet gives you at least the veneer of respectability. Vegetarians who allow themselves the luxury of meat are nothing more than painted food whores. Maybe we should just call you a bi-vore.

When you really look at food lifestyle choices, it boils down to a few simple choices. But if you call your failed bid for elitism without the work flexitarianism, I'll kick you in the nuts, because that's what you are.

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