Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"

 

Fri Jul 28

 

2017

 
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Women Should Always Get Blown

Blow Me.Think back to the most attractive woman you ever saw, in real life or a photo. Chances are her hair was swept back by wind, a fan or slipping on an icy sidewalk and flying backwards, breaking her coccyx but looking great.

If I had my way, the subject of an 18-month study by the RAND Corporation, women's hair would always be blown back.

Who knows what it is about follicles in flurry, do's in disarray, that makes women so irresistible. I think it's just people of all genders, from male to female and variations like Adam Lambert, like to see natural forces acting on women. But it's clear we as a society need to fully bring out women's beauty.

By redirecting American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds, which aren't doing anything that can't wait, municipalities could install high-powered fans on telephone polls, street lamps and other infrastructure at face level. Of course they can't be blowing all the time, to save energy and since men look their best when their faces aren't clearly visible. This will also require pouring more money into R&D currently under way at the It's Pat Institute to visually distinguish men from women, scanning their facial features and distribution of cellulite, and using high-powered radiation blasts to identify the homogametic sex. Traffic-light and surveillance cameras already on the street can thus finally have a moral purpose.

But that's going to take a while to become operational, especially if a rider for the perverted arts is attached during floor debate. That means we must rely on human blowing for now. When you see a woman approaching, walk within a foot or so and blow into her face. This will require a massive public-service announcement campaign from the Ad Council and breath-freshener industry to protect women from bad smells, and the addition of parching chemicals to fresheners so spittle doesn't fly out. Dove sponsorship of a "Blew Beauty" campaign will get women on board, and body-spray maker Axe's entry into fresheners will ensure men take up the cause.

Little brothers of the nation, get to work.

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