Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Mon Aug 21



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Lefties have "Rights" Too

Greg Piper

Our brave soldiers may not be culturally ready to accept a left-handed salute, threatening recruitment in a time when Islamic fascists want to blow off all our hands.

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Most of us at one time have fantasized about beating a left-handed person senseless. It just looks so wrong - watching your small-group leader sinisterly scribbling notes about prayer requests or President Obama shamefully signing an executive order letting federal employees marry their children.  Even when that hot girl seductively waves at you, she's surely intending to copulate and spread her defective genes to another cursed generation.

Yet lefties, for all the valid suspicion we Right-Minded People assign to them, bear under the crushing weight of a world that scorns their preferential manner of cutting, mousing, guitaring and shooting.  They had no part in choosing their orientation, and the only alternative to their writestyle - ambidexterity - offends nature, promotes amoral behavior and confuses impressionable children.  ("Daddy, why did that man switch sides of the plate?")

Our nation has made great strides because of the ink-smearers.  The federal government and Detroit, when they were two distinct entities, poured money into research and development to come up with automatic transmission following the Summer Slaughter of '77 in which shift-challenged lefties ran over 47 people around the country.  No more are the fag-fingered viewed with suspicion when they get behind the wheel of their Priuses to pick up their CSA vegetable boxes.  And it's no coincidence that three of our last four presidents have been left-handed, resulting in policy victories as momentous as school uniforms and the Americans with Disabilities Act - clumsily signed by a man whose own southpawverty gave him insight into the need for floor buttons on the left side of an elevator.

Of course, expanding the freedoms long enjoyed by righterosexuals will have economic and social costs.  Hate-crimes legislation will have to be updated to include dextual preference, as a deterrent against now-commonplace Thanksgiving attacks against fathers who can't open the can of cranberry sauce.  Our brave soldiers may not be culturally ready to accept a left-handed salute, threatening recruitment in a time when Islamic fascists want to blow off all our hands.

But until fetal surgery techniques can safely restrain the in utero use of the left hand, we must honor each other's differences.

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Left is Best Left Alone

Jeremiah Lewis


The war is over. Lefties lost. Now get the hell out of the ark and go procreate with your own kind. God may have said two of every creature, but He didn’t mean you.

I refer, of course, to the maligned and malignant portion of our society who have chosen to practice, or as some might have you believe, were “genetically predisposed” to, left-handedness. Despite what advocates would have you believe, the sinistres among us do have a choice, and they make that choice on a daily basis.

I know what some of you are thinking: what about all the research out there that says hand preference is decided at the gene level?

It’s revisionists like you that have made this issue even a minor speck on the cultural radar, much less a serious intellectual venture. Lefties are no more fated to their leanings than a giraffe is fated to be tall—yes, there are pygmy giraffes just as there are muscular nerds and ugly Norwegians. So don’t tell me this isn’t a matter for the state to condone or disapprove.

As far as the ridiculous premise that those of the southpaw persuasion deserve special treatment, ala civil rights for manos de la izquierda, the issue is not whether they should be afforded recognition of their status or awarded gratuities for a leftward means of dexterity; that would be giving the devil undue attention and allegiance. As citizens of a free and just nation, would it also be right to support those who engage in left-brained thinking, supposing them the necessary recipients of a state-sanctioned boost?

Of course not. The statement, much less any argument in favor of, is ridiculous on its face, and would be laughed out of any sane legislative body. Hell, ancient Spartans used to kill off infants who had crooked teeth or didn’t utter shrieking war cries as soon as they exited the womb. The fact that we don’t do that is evidence of our compassion.

We tolerate the fact of lefthandedness. Don’t ask us to subsidize that same sickness through financial aid, special placards, and a home in the Lobbyists’ wing of Congress.

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