Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Wed Jun 28




Spinning: Stop Stalin and Get a Life

cyclestalinStare straight ahead into the fluorescent lights.  Pump your legs.  Take orders from a ponytailed American Gladiators dropout.

You've got spinning, the lamest exercise since vaginal flexing.

What do people see in this activity?  Cycling - you know, the real kind - is highly practical and enjoyable for both work and play.  It saves money on commuting, burns calories, promotes social behavior, and puts Industrial Man back in touch with nature, at least the part buried in asphalt and cleared of pesky plant life.  The undeniable douchery of the "serious" enthusiast aside, cycling embiggens the smallest man and promotes the Jeffersonian democratic ethic.

If Stalin came back to life through the power of resurgent autocratic leftism in South America, he would be leading a spinning class.  Nothing crushes the soul so much as rote behavior, regardless of whether Hans Beefcaksuker leads you through sprint, run, climb and jump levels as you futilely pedal your way to self-esteem and titanium quads.  Want to veer to the right or left, or pull over to admire a red hawk feeding her young?  Too bad, worker bee.  You're stuck on a floor-mounted apparatus staring at a stranger's gelatinous rump while a tinpot dictator telescreens your innermost thoughts and metabolic processes.  The worst part is the drones in spin class are paying for their own enslavement.

People get the government they deserve.  And spinners get the comfort of cycling their way to an air-conditioned hell of their own making.

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