Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"

 

Mon Aug 21

 

2017

 
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Dammit, Stop Using God's Name in Vain, You Little Shit

Greg Piper

Only devout douchebags would think every holy roll off the tongue improves their prayer quotient.

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Lordy, lordy, look who's 40!" It's mindless burbles of blasphemy like this by Christian cows that fucking drive me batshit crazy. What the hell does the Third Commandment say? Don't take the LORD's name in vain, bitch.

Yet these fallacious fucks are shitting out profanity all day. "Oh my ___! Kate Gosselin changed her hair" or "Sweet ___, you moved me to tears with that hymn" screws the pooch worse than anything a jockey trampled underfoot by Rachel Alexandra's fat-ass filly friend could say.

You country music-loving women fart out "my Lawd!" when Mrs. Pastor serves her God's Truth Sweet Tea, and your flippant fanny won't be held guiltless by the Holy One. "Gahd, I'm famished" glides off the glottis of every Chi-town cocksucker prowling for a Polish after Sunday Mass. You'd be ass-dragging across sandpaper for 40 years, complaining about Soymanna until the LORD filled your noses with Vienna Beef, if I managed His shit list.

College-aged proselytes also have difficulty sprinkling their sentences with non-divine modifiers and expletives, especially when window-shopping and clubbing. These fuckwits get all pointy-headed and claim they're only using generic gods in vain, not the Lion of Judah, and drag you to coffee with their dipshit theology professor with the "Coexist" bumper sticker to rationalize pissing all over God's name. They are fated to wear liturgical underwear and deliver the Times of Zion on yellow bicycles in the Mormon layer of heaven.

Regurgitating Jesus' name every third word in a prayer similarly molests His name, you Pentecostal pukes. Is it not taking an enema in the ear to hear "Hey Greg, what's up Greg, let's get a beer Greg, that's a great ironic t-shirt Greg" in rapid succession? Only devout douchebags would think every holy roll off the tongue improves their prayer quotient. Throw in some variety to avoid wrath-incurring repetition - the LORD has several names, such as the Author of our faith, the Almighty, and the old-school Yahweh. But don't prematurely ejaculate the brilliant idea that you got from my ironic apparel – the Christian-conversion t-shirt "Yahweh right away, at Christ the King now." It's tits up with that profane pun.

You also shouldn't be dicking around telling your jerkass kids that Jesus cleaned his room, too, just so they'll drop the pissy attitude. That's tantamount to editing out the scrotum-scorching hellfire against unbelievers in Revelation. Our Savior deserted His rumored-whore mother and presumed-cuckold father so he could kick it with his real Father, wowing all those rabbis with His scriptural savvy. Damn it all to hell if you pussies can't nut up to the Messiah's promise to bring the sword and divide families.

When in doubt, leave God's name out. Mutter an ethnic slur under your breath, or yell "Motherfuckers!" in your car to relieve tension. Throw in a quick prayer when you feel the need to reel off divine names like you're sharing musical influences of your suck-ass polka-reggaeton band. Go back to classic cartoon exclamations like "Heavens to Murgatroyd!" or have fun with mythic deities.

Just remember: Steer clear of Mu---mad.

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Pentecostal Profanity? Jesus Christ, That's Blasphemy!

Jeremiah Lewis

 

What would Jesus Not Do? Lots of things, including genocide (except at the Apocalypse, where the unbelievers will reap the whirlwind of Jehovah's wrath) and pornography (making, downloading, or watching). But maybe the most egregious thing Jesus wouldn't do is curse like a sailor, which, God knows, I've been hearing more of in the Christian sectors, not just in the sports arena (where God is invoked to damn the other team to Hell, and where mothers procreate like Viagra-driven rabbits), but even in the sacred courts of the House of our Lord.

Our Lord. I'm referring to Jesus here. The Almighty, who can kick your teeth in from the Cross? Yeah, that one. He goes by Messiah, Christ, Lord, and Yeshua.

Well, thank Christ He's not around to hear you Christians cursing like the heathen. You say you love God, yet you live more by Carlin's catechism than you do the Holy Word. God, it's like you've forgotten your first love.

Christ on a crutch, don't you realize just how offensive it is to God, to Yahweh Himself, to hear you brothers and sisters using language that would make even Hitler squeamish? And I say this knowing just how much Hitler hated Jews. And Jesus was a Jew, by Gum. And what would Hitler not do? He wouldn't bloody swear, unless he was really hating on some Jews, that's for sure. Sweet Jesus, evangelical egalitarianism does not mean use all words equally.

You may be thinking, “Who does this guy think he is, a priest?” In the parlance of our time, OMG. Don't you know Scripture? I quote from the Apostle Peter when I say, "We are all consecrated priests through Baptism." I think that makes it pretty God-durned clear that I have the right to call you out when you start dropping expletives around like verbal poo. There's a reason the words expletive and excrement sound alike. More than a priest, though--I'm a Jesus Freak. And I can't help but think of Jesus telling His followers not to swear on heaven or earth or below the earth. That pretty much incorporates the seven words you can't say on television.

I swear to God, you jokers are bound for an eternity of pain. God doesn't idle while His children mock him through obscenity. When you approach the Pearly gates after you die and you see those flaming sword-bearing demi-deities with Holy Hearing guarding Paradise and you beg entrance, they'll laugh in your face, even if you are made in God's image, and you'll be thrown into the stinking mire of Hell.

Crikey, I imagine you've gotten so used to hearing those poisonous words coming from your own tongues you don't even realize how angry you make God by talking in this manner.

Here's a Christ-flash for you: God willing, He will smite you unless you change your ways. Get off the profanity platform and jump onto the Jesus train, or prepare to get beat off by the Savior of the Cosmos. Get the message?

God, I sure hope so.

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