Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"

 

Thu Jun 22

 

2017

 
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The Increasingly Compounded Ways In Which I Broke The Submission Rules For Mcsweeney’s, Yet Still Managed To Get Published

mcsweeney1. This one time, when I was in college...

2. Pasted list into program that deliberately converts any standard quotes into smart quotes, effectively converting “ into “

3. Used Comic Sans and a font named Uncle Bob’s Shadow (converted to Times New Roman by McSweeney’s editors for inclusion on website).

4. Formatted list into XML-compliant code. Then recompiled it out into standard HTML without CSS markup. Copied resulting text into email. Converted quotes (see 1). Majored in Computer Science, which explains both my use of XML code and also points to my career plans, emerging in the real world as some kind of cracker-jack-of-all-trades, a characteristic that has sharpened since I graduated college.

5. Used “nowadays“ and “these days“ in the same bullet point.

6. PILE HER HARD AND DEEP WITH YOUR AMAZING C*CK. MAKE HER CUM LIKE PAV-LOVE DOG. C!4L1S PRMX

7. didn’t capitalize first letters of sentences. lazy. ee cumming (make her recite poetry as you are both ee cumming) made it okay, assholes.

8. obama says swine flu “cause for alarm,“ promises less pork in spending bill. Swish! find out your credit score for free!

9. cormac mccarthy’s the road is at once a wicked portrayal of future america caught in its own death throes, and a modern retelling of the Exodus story, but without the Jews.

10. i have been living in Los Angeles for quite some time now. that’s a jungle, right? A Totally F.R.E.E. Mind Blowing Home Biz

11. aka Jemima Butterworth

12. Chose post-alt cool ironic meta-content with which to populate my list, then scaled with humor, and ended with post-alt cool ironic meta-content call-out, to show I intended it all along, but not in deference to McSweeney's, just because the list is just that hip and clever. Title sells it.

Editor's note: This piece was submitted and rejected by McSweeney's.

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