Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"


Mon Aug 21




Bill Paxton Is Not Bill Pullman

A Candid Conversation with the BillsCI: You two have had successful careers, been in some amazing films. But you've never acted together, is that correct?

BP: Actually, we were in a film called Brain Dead.

BP: They were calling it a "Double Billing." Assholes. No offense, Bill, but I'm getting pretty tired of being thought of as Bill Pullman.

BP: Lord knows Paxton's heard enough people say, "You're Bill Pullman, aren't you?" Mostly, when people see me on the street, they tell me they would vote for me if I really was the President. Seriously, I have done other roles. Independence Day was ten years ago. When's it going to stop?

CI: So there's a lot of people who aren't really movie buffs. They think you're the guy who starred as the President of the United States in "that kick-ass space alien movie." Why do you think so many people get that wrong?

BP: Because they're dumber than a bag of hammers in a redneck's Ford F-250 truck bed. America has never been able to distinguish between actors who look completely different  but whose names share some similarities. Like Philip Seymour Hoffman and Philip Baker Hall. Totally different people. But ask any average person on the street, and they'll identify PBH as the guy who played Truman Capote in that boring-as-hell Notorious. No-no-no-no-no. No-torious.

BP: I think you mean Infamous.

CI: It was Capote.

BP: That's what I just said. It's the inherent racism you find still prevalent in America. You know, we say "All Chinese people look alike to us." Well, that's racist.

BP: Then you've got Meryl Streep and Barbara Streisand. One is thin, the other is a little chunky and has a weird nose.

CI: I'm not sure I see the connection.

BP: Eva Mendes and Eva Longoria.

BP: She's hot. Eva Mendes.

BP: Both are pretty beautiful.

BP: Wait, is it Eva Mendes or Eva Longoria that has the spot on her face.

BP: I think it's a birth mark. Or beauty mark.

BP: It's a mole. Whichever one has the mole, I'm not a huge fan of that. That's enough to turn me off.

CI: Is there anything you think might be done to help people remember the difference between you?

BP: I was in The Last Seduction.

CI: That's right, you screwed Linda Fiorentino in that movie.

BP: She is a total bitch. Totally not worth it.

BP: I got an idea. How about paying attention when the credits are rolling. When it says Bill Paxton and then you see me, that means I'm f***ing Bill Paxton, not Bill f***ing Pullman.

BP: Same for me, but with less profanity.

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