Cultural Imperialist

Hat Trick: Casual Jews and Skullcaps
By Greg Piper

I expect a certain percentage of religious people to wear something identifying their beliefs in public. This is commendable in our pluralistic society, and practically an outgrowth of the First Amendment, which certainly lets us wear what we want if it lets us have sex on camera for money. What baffles me is why Jews of all stripes wear yarmulkes.

What’s Wrong With Ad Hominem?
By Jeremiah Lewis

The world's already a nuclear dirty bomb away from chaos, destruction, and the loss of basic freedoms. Given the shabby state of the world, don't we owe it to ourselves to reduce arguments to their simplest, most entertaining form, hashing out our differences by calling each other names and harboring little regard for substantive issues?

Apple Gaffe Doesn’t Stop Market Domination
By Jeremiah Lewis

Due to its ongoing crush of competition, in spite of the name gaffe, we're proud to name Apple Cultural Imperialist of the week.

Ax to Grind: Two Guitars Are Plenty
By Greg Piper

I had a fancy dinner in New York recently, a chili-smoked hanger steak at a Thai fusion restaurant. But it was buried under such a thick crust of spices, like a Port-au-Prince shopkeeper, that the steak was barely perceptible. You know the musical equivalent? Including a third, fourth, or Jimi help us, fifth guitarist in a band.

Flex On This, Flexitarians
By Jeremiah Lewis

Have you heard of this new fad for foodies that says you can be both a vegetarian AND a meat-eater? If you subscribe to this theory, you are called Flexitarian. Or as I like to see it, a Douche.

Interracial Couples Aren’t *That* Happy
By Greg Piper

The surest way to get someone to spend on your product or cause is slapping a broad cross-section of humanity on a billboard. Often this means a roughly equal balance of men and women, white, black, Hispanic, Asian, Arab and Persian, unless UN sanctions stretch over to modeling. But you know what's even harder to swallow? Interracial bliss.

Auto-Tuning Ourselves To Death
By Jeremiah Lewis

Oh Auto-Tune. Once you were an interesting idea. But like all human endeavors, you were quickly appropriated for nefarious banality. Our ears need relief.

The Bed Head Look: Shoot It, Stuff It, Put It in the Attic
By Jeremiah Lewis

The Bed Head look is lamer than a bag of cocks at a lesbian cookout. Be a real independent thinker and actually comb your hair.

Libertarians: Stop Trying So Hard
By Greg Piper

Sinning makes you cool, we get it.

Hipster Gyrations Don’t Equal Dancing
By Jeremiah Lewis

It's time to put an end to this spasmodic bullspit you hipster wackjobs call dancing.

Hey Kids: Enough With the Beatles Shirts
By Greg Piper

If you can't buy a band's music on iTunes, that's a pretty good sign that you, as a member of Generation Whine, shouldn't be listening to them.

Fruity Metaphors Have Got to Stop
By Jeremiah Lewis

We are surrounded by fruit, and something has got to be done about it.

Taco Shell Bowls: More Important Than Oslo
By Greg Piper

Taco shell bowls may look useless, but they're actually the only thing holding back total anarchy in the Middle East.

The Increasingly Compounded Ways In Which I Broke The Submission Rules For Mcsweeney’s, Yet Still Managed To Get Published
By Jeremiah Lewis

The only really surefire way of getting published is to be as self-referential and ironic as possible.

All non-”Pepper” Sodas: Hands off the Doc
By Greg Piper

Yeah, I see you, Dr. Pop. Don't try to hide, Dr. Thunder. Wake me up before you go-go, Dr. Wham. You are infringing on the good name of Dr. Pepper, and those mincing pansies at the Patent and Trademark Office won't save you from my righteous wrath.