Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"

Thu Mar 11

2010

Corn Chip Racism

Corn chips come in all colors, but are white chips better than their colored cousins? Are you a corn chip racist if you choose red or blue chips over white and yellow chips? What did our Founders believe? Greg and Jeremiah take a dip into the salsa of civil chip unrest.
ImperialMitt: Why We Love Romney

Mitt Romney may be the greatest denigrator of The Non-American Way since P.J. O'Rourke's brilliantly offensive "Foreigners of the World" study for National Lampoon.
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9/11 Novelists Need To Move On

How many post-9/11 novels about American fears, genuine attempts to map the psychology of a nation under Cheney and terror, and colloquial moments of self-congratulatory introspection and assessment of our own fallen status do we need?
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Wide Load: The Scourge of Sideblocking

Your group stroll needn't hog the public walking space. Pretending to be oblivious to oncoming pedestrian traffic is just as onerous as writing a false memoir. Walk single-file, or else.
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Abolish Express Lane Abuse

I've watched you--all of you--ineligible bachelors, harried mothers, old Chinese women, busty Latinas, even guys who look homeless--and you all have abused the honor system by passing more than the designated number of items through the express line. Congratulations, you're a douche.
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Auto-Tuning Ourselves To Death

Oh Auto-Tune. Once you were an interesting idea. But like all human endeavors, you were quickly appropriated for nefarious banality. Our ears need relief.
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Don’t Stop Rocking, Chile!
By Jeremiah Lewis

The latest round of Chile's earth-shattering quakes surrounding the recent free elections has got to be the best example of a country's own geology conspiring against democracy. Or is it?

Squirrels Are Adorable
By Greg Piper

Imagine running around in your pajamas all day, eating nuts and climbing trees. I'm not hearkening back to your childhood in Eugene, Oregon - that's what squirrels do. And it's groin-grabbingly adorable.

Cutie-Spotting Is Unavoidable
By Jeremiah Lewis

The world is a smorgasbord of hotties. But for men who are firmly entrenched in a relationship, is it morally acceptable to scope out the cuties?

Southwest’s Whale of a Problem
By Jeremiah Lewis

On February 13, Southwest kicked filmmaker Kevin Smith off a Burbank-bound flight for being too fat. This was exactly what they should have done.

Who Should Pay for Bums’ Carpal Tunnel?
By Greg Piper

As cities face record budget shortfalls and public employee unions collectively bellow "why are you looking at me?" there's another looming crisis on the horizon: Bums getting carpal-tunnel syndrome and suing.

Bands Across America
By Jeremiah Lewis

The landscape of music in America is less than stellar, despite what you might have been led to believe.

Hat Trick: Casual Jews and Skullcaps
By Greg Piper

I expect a certain percentage of religious people to wear something identifying their beliefs in public. This is commendable in our pluralistic society, and practically an outgrowth of the First Amendment, which certainly lets us wear what we want if it lets us have sex on camera for money. What baffles me is why Jews of all stripes wear yarmulkes.

What’s Wrong With Ad Hominem?
By Jeremiah Lewis

The world's already a nuclear dirty bomb away from chaos, destruction, and the loss of basic freedoms. Given the shabby state of the world, don't we owe it to ourselves to reduce arguments to their simplest, most entertaining form, hashing out our differences by calling each other names and harboring little regard for substantive issues?

Apple Gaffe Doesn’t Stop Market Domination
By Jeremiah Lewis

Due to its ongoing crush of competition, in spite of the name gaffe, we're proud to name Apple Cultural Imperialist of the week.

Ax to Grind: Two Guitars Are Plenty
By Greg Piper

I had a fancy dinner in New York recently, a chili-smoked hanger steak at a Thai fusion restaurant. But it was buried under such a thick crust of spices, like a Port-au-Prince shopkeeper, that the steak was barely perceptible. You know the musical equivalent? Including a third, fourth, or Jimi help us, fifth guitarist in a band.