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Cultural Imperialist
"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"
Fri Jul 30
2010
Balls to That: The Amoral Tyranny of Soccer
Soccer, or football, as the brownskins and limeys call it, is a full-throated attack on American exceptionalism, and if I ran U.S. Africa Command, Johannesburg would have been liberated before the first vuvuzela blew.
The Half-Assed Turn Is Full-On Jerk
I know it's hyperbole to say that "there's nothing worse than [insert your peeve here]" and in most cases, it may even reduce th…Abolish Express Lane Abuse
I can't stand how lame it is that people totally misuse the express lane at the grocery checkout. The sign says "Ten items or les…Flex On This, Flexitarians
Have you heard of this new fad for foodies that says you can be both a vegetarian AND a meat-eater? If you subscribe to this theor…
"Your girlfriend must be Bad. Look at what she watches.”
Mirror, Mirror, Elevator
Elevators with reflective interiors are the most sinful conveyances on the planet, w…(Dis)honorary Degree
So you grew up and became a successful person, maybe an actor, or an entrepreneur. You'…Escalosers: Move Fast, Lose Your Ass
The latest issue of The Atlantic declares America "Fat Nation." My daily trips on the W…Senior Stranger Advice Is Inadvisable
You're trapped. A long elevator ride. Ferris wheel. Bus stop. Coffee shop. Or in my cas…
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Tag, You’re the Sh–: The Importance of Moral Shirtainty
Call me a strict apparelist, but I believe society crumbles when we vainly decide to cut the tags. That's not just your neck itching - it's your conscience calling.
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ImperialMitt: Why We Love Romney
Mitt Romney may be the greatest denigrator of The Non-American Way since P.J. O'Rourke's brilliantly offensive "Foreigners of the World" study for National Lampoon.
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Interracial Couples Aren’t *That* Happy
The surest way to get someone to spend on your product or cause is slapping a broad cross-section of humanity on a billboard. Often this means a roughly equal balance of men and women, white, black, Hispanic, Asian, Arab and Persian, unless UN sanctions stretch over to modeling. But you know what's even harder to swallow? Interracial bliss.
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The Bed Head Look: Shoot It, Stuff It, Put It in the Attic
The Bed Head look is lamer than a bag of cocks at a lesbian cookout. Be a real independent thinker and actually comb your hair.
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Libertarians: Stop Trying So Hard
Sinning makes you cool, we get it.
Editors: Jeremiah Lewis | Greg Piper
Contributors: It could be you. But probably won't be.
We are located in Los Angeles and Seattle. and occasionally Washington DC.
Gaga has sold herself as the hippest and most counter-revolutionary of all artist, a fame monster unequaled in genius or industry savvy. But underneath is a scared cowgirl.
Sports Mascot Mess – An Ethnic Quandary
A new Wisconsin bill threatens to put the kibosh on Native American sports mascots. But where does it end?
Frozen Yogurt: Hell Frozen Over
Is Frozen Yogurt in fact the Devil? And the answer is, of course, possibly. Frozen yogurt is, however, universally the most pretentious and therefore useless dessert.
The world is a smorgasbord of hotties. But for men who are firmly entrenched in a relationship, is it morally acceptable to scope out the cuties?
9/11 Novelists Need To Move On
How many post-9/11 novels about American fears, genuine attempts to map the psychology of a nation under Cheney and terror, and colloquial moments of self-congratulatory introspection and assessment of our own fallen status do we need?
Who Should Pay for Bums’ Carpal Tunnel?
As cities face record budget shortfalls and public employee unions collectively bellow "why are you looking at me?" there's another looming crisis on the horizon: Bums getting carpal-tunnel syndrome and suing.
The landscape of music in America is less than stellar, despite what you might have been led to believe.
Harlequin Romance Meets Movie Parody Pornos
A Harlequin Romance writer watches pornos based on popular movies, then rewrites them into novel form. Here are some excerpts.
Stop Singing to Yourself in Public
That's a pretty song. It's uplifting, puts you in touch with God, reminds you to be thankful. Now keep it to your damn self.
NPR’s Weird-Name Affirmative Action
Public radio has to be concerned with proving its commitment to diversity in the community. To help preserve ethno-image, NPR uses the oldest trick in the book.