Cultural Imperialist

"Scathing Spats on Shallow Subjects"

Tue Feb 9

 

2010

 
Rule the World. Advertise with Cultural Imperialist.
  • He Called Her By Last Name

    Should women be addressed by their surnames? Is it demeaning, defeminizing, or defamatory, or is it an expression of equal rights and status under the law? Our spat hits all points.
  • Abolish Express Lane Abuse

    I've watched you--all of you--ineligible bachelors, harried mothers, old Chinese women, busty Latinas, even guys who look homeless--and you all have abused the honor system by passing more than the designated number of items through the express line. Congratulations, you're a douche.

    Read it!

  • Who Should Pay for Bums’ Carpal Tunnel?

    thumbnail As cities face record budget shortfalls and public employee unions collectively bellow "why are you looking at me?" there's another looming crisis on the horizon: Bums getting carpal-tunnel syndrome and suing.

    Read it!

  • Bands Across America

    thumbnail The landscape of music in America is less than stellar, despite what you might have been led to believe.

    Read it!

  • Snow to Hell

    thumbnail You and me, snow. Outside.

    Read it!

  • Women Should Always Get Blown

    thumbnail Think back to the most attractive woman you ever saw, in real life or a photo. Chances are her hair was swept back by wind, a fan or slipping on an icy sidewalk and flying backwards, breaking her coccyx but looking great.

    Read it!

  • Spinning: Stop Stalin and Get a Life

    thumbnail Indoor cycling is for brownshirts.

    Read it!

  • Harlequin Romance Meets Movie Parody Pornos

    thumbnail A Harlequin Romance writer watches pornos based on popular movies, then rewrites them into novel form. Here are some excerpts.

    Read it!

 
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Hat Trick: Casual Jews and Skullcaps
By Greg Piper

I expect a certain percentage of religious people to wear something identifying their beliefs in public. This is commendable in our pluralistic society, and practically an outgrowth of the First Amendment, which certainly lets us wear what we want if it lets us have sex on camera for money. What baffles me is why Jews of all stripes wear yarmulkes.

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What’s Wrong With Ad Hominem?
By Jeremiah Lewis

The world's already a nuclear dirty bomb away from chaos, destruction, and the loss of basic freedoms. Given the shabby state of the world, don't we owe it to ourselves to reduce arguments to their simplest, most entertaining form, hashing out our differences by calling each other names and harboring little regard for substantive issues?

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Apple Gaffe Doesn’t Stop Market Domination
By Jeremiah Lewis

Due to its ongoing crush of competition, in spite of the name gaffe, we're proud to name Apple Cultural Imperialist of the week.

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Ax to Grind: Two Guitars Are Plenty
By Greg Piper

I had a fancy dinner in New York recently, a chili-smoked hanger steak at a Thai fusion restaurant. But it was buried under such a thick crust of spices, like a Port-au-Prince shopkeeper, that the steak was barely perceptible. You know the musical equivalent? Including a third, fourth, or Jimi help us, fifth guitarist in a band.

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Flex On This, Flexitarians
By Jeremiah Lewis

Have you heard of this new fad for foodies that says you can be both a vegetarian AND a meat-eater? If you subscribe to this theory, you are called Flexitarian. Or as I like to see it, a Douche.

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Interracial Couples Aren’t *That* Happy
By Greg Piper

The surest way to get someone to spend on your product or cause is slapping a broad cross-section of humanity on a billboard. Often this means a roughly equal balance of men and women, white, black, Hispanic, Asian, Arab and Persian, unless UN sanctions stretch over to modeling. But you know what's even harder to swallow? Interracial bliss.

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Auto-Tuning Ourselves To Death
By Jeremiah Lewis

Oh Auto-Tune. Once you were an interesting idea. But like all human endeavors, you were quickly appropriated for nefarious banality. Our ears need relief.

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The Bed Head Look: Shoot It, Stuff It, Put It in the Attic
By Jeremiah Lewis

The Bed Head look is lamer than a bag of cocks at a lesbian cookout. Be a real independent thinker and actually comb your hair.

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Libertarians: Stop Trying So Hard
By Greg Piper

Sinning makes you cool, we get it.

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Hipster Gyrations Don’t Equal Dancing
By Jeremiah Lewis

It's time to put an end to this spasmodic bullspit you hipster wackjobs call dancing.

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Hey Kids: Enough With the Beatles Shirts
By Greg Piper

If you can't buy a band's music on iTunes, that's a pretty good sign that you, as a member of Generation Whine, shouldn't be listening to them.

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Fruity Metaphors Have Got to Stop
By Jeremiah Lewis

We are surrounded by fruit, and something has got to be done about it.

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Taco Shell Bowls: More Important Than Oslo
By Greg Piper

Taco shell bowls may look useless, but they're actually the only thing holding back total anarchy in the Middle East.

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The Increasingly Compounded Ways In Which I Broke The Submission Rules For Mcsweeney’s, Yet Still Managed To Get Published
By Jeremiah Lewis

The only really surefire way of getting published is to be as self-referential and ironic as possible.

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All non-”Pepper” Sodas: Hands off the Doc
By Greg Piper

Yeah, I see you, Dr. Pop. Don't try to hide, Dr. Thunder. Wake me up before you go-go, Dr. Wham. You are infringing on the good name of Dr. Pepper, and those mincing pansies at the Patent and Trademark Office won't save you from my righteous wrath.

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Editors: Jeremiah Lewis | Greg Piper

Contributors: It could be you. But probably won't be.

We are located in Los Angeles and Washington DC. and occasionally Seattle.